The Way Young Lovers Do

We've had the heavy white stuff here. I was so intent on walking to the public market this morning, but with the wind chill it was about a whopping 17 degrees, so I split the difference and parked at Village Gate and walked the second half of it. It was such a beautifully bright sunny morning that I almost didn't notice I couldn't really feel my fingertips. A brisk one to be sure! Didn't stop me from perusing every booth and buying some red onions and ginger root, which I promptly made some tea with upon returning home.

I love days like this. When you know that spring is teetering on the brink of center stage, but winter has to make just one last appearance, so they compromise, and the result is blue skies and sunshine, bitter cold winds, and dahlias poking their noses out in overgrown flowerbeds while branches arch toward earth, heavy with precipitation.

I most recently saw Into the Wild and, since reading the book while backpacking, would have to say the director did a phenomenal job at sticking to the story. Most movies rarely do justice to their source, but this one did. In a remarkable, gut-wrenching, inspiring, horrific way. I had to re-read the book again immediately after watching the movie to be sure. And yes. It's there. Beautiful and powerful and moving. Something about that story just gets me at the core. Sure, there's lots of controversy over the story - particularly about Chris - but you either "get it" or you don't. I'm sure you can figure out which camp I'm in. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then I'm sure you could figure it out anyway, just by knowing me.

Well, Van Morrison's vocals "dreamed of the way we were and the way that we wanted to be" are belting through my speakers, drowning out the party upstairs, and I am reminded that another day is on its way out. I am reluctant to let go of it. Wanting to squeeze every last drop from it that I can. But time comes when one must just accept enough is enough and succumb to sleep and the prospect of a new day.

I hope there are more like this one to come...

Intellectual Adventure

I had hoped that the 24th of March would be a bright, sunny spring day. But it is a brisk, sunless, snowy morning here in Rochester, and that is okay too. You know, I'm not keen on talking about the weather. It is what it is and there's not much we can do about it, so I say we just go about our business regardless. But for some reason, people just love to talk about the weather. For one thing, it's easy. It's right in front of us - we can feel it, see it, smell it, taste it. Requires little or no intellectual capacity to discuss. We can be objective about it. Never have to reveal any true feeling or emotion. And it's always changing - for better or worse - and change is exciting, no matter who you are.

Change is what I thrive on. I yearn for it. Seek it. Try to induce it. Someone asked me recently what was the last intellectual adventure I went on.

That question has been on my mind for weeks. I love that question. I want to ask everyone the very same thing. More out of curiosity as to how they would interpret it than what their actual response would be. I have not decided exactly how I want to interpret it, but that is probably because I am analyzing it too much, as I do most things.

Intellectual adventure. Wow. The concept intrigues me. Probably because adventure in general intrigues me. Excites me. Gives me hope. In some ways, I feel that most of my adult life has been an intellectual adventure. At least for me. A day in which I do not feel motivated to learn something new or step outside my comfort zone or seek understanding in uncommon ways - even in the slightest - is a day in which I have not felt alive. A desire to contribute to a higher purpose, to push my limits, to learn from others - this is what drives me.

For the last eight years I have anguished over whether or not to go back to "school", get a Master's degree, move farther up the "professional ladder". This thought process has been especially pertinent in the last two years since finishing my AT thru-hike and trying to determine which path to go down next. I believed more and more that getting another degree would be my next big intellectual adventure. I even got a job in higher education. I had a program and a school picked out. I was ready to apply for this upcoming fall term. And for a moment in time, the decision seemed effortless. The years of wondering whether or not this was the right course of action finally seemed to pay off. Of course I should go back to college! This is next logical step. This makes sense. This is what people silently expect of me.

But then, recently, I had an epiphany. I came back to reality. My reality. The realization that everything that has ever really mattered to me in life and the things that have molded me into who I am I did not learn sitting in a classroom. Nor, surprisingly, can I only learn by sitting in classroom. I am primarily self-taught in all the things I have accomplished. I have learned by living. And I prefer it that way. A Master's degree won't actually make my life any more complete than would binge-shopping out of self-pity. A Master's degree won't actually make me more money because it would put me further in debt to acquire it. A Master's degree won't actually make me any more qualified to do the kind of work that I love to do. I am already as qualified, if not more, than the person whose experience is relegated to text books, powerpoint presentations, and purposeless exams. For me, a Master's degree is not the answer to my searching, my longing for intellectual adventure.

Don't misunderstand. I love education. I love learning. I thrive on it. And I do take classes. All sorts. And I am not repudiating the value of a Master's degree (or any certificate of higher education), but I have finally had the epiphany that I no longer need to worry about whether or not it's for me. Whether or not it's what I'm supposed to do. I no longer feel compelled by some unknown force to go through with it. At least not right now. Some day, maybe. I may want to go back to college. I may want to commit to one thing. But, not right now. My interests are too varied and diverse. I cannnot settle on any one program of study. Just as soon as I think I've figured out exactly what my concentration should be, I am reminded that to take that path would be to forsake all the others. And I can't do that. I want to learn all sorts of things. I want to try my hand in an array of jobs. Work for all kinds of people. In all kinds of circumstances, situations and environments. I cannot settle. I cannot pick one thing. This used to bug the hell out of me! I used think I was flawed. A freak. Why couldn't I just figure out what I'm supposed to be doing and do it? But I've accepted that I am not that person. And it doesn't bother me anymore. I understand now that what I'm supposed to be doing is living my life as an intellectual adventure. And an adventurer does not confine herself to one trail, one path to go down indefinitely. An adventurer is always open to possibility. Always learning. Always seeking out new challenges, new places, new people. And that is who I am content to be. Indefinable.

So, that may or may not have answered the question but trying to answer it has helped me remember who I am and what I love.

I have always had an agitation of the soul. And only recently have I interpreted this as a good thing.

Sixteen Reasons

...to reunite with someone you haven't seen in sixteen years

1. curiosity
2. to reminisce
3. to share joy
4. to learn from others' life lessons
5. laughter
6. to see old things in a new light
7. to see new things in an old light
8. to try new food and wine
9. to walk through freshly fallen snow
10. to be open to possibility
11. to acknowledge growth
12. to renew your spirit
13. to see yourself in someone else's eyes
14. to share a tub of frozen whipped cream
15. to remember your roots
16. because life is too valuable not to